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Parenting FAIL Friday – How to avoid potty training: A message from my toddler.

Hi. I’m the only commonly referred to as Smush. Mommy is letting me do a guest post today because she now knows that I’m an evil genius when it comes toilet training not ready for the potty.

If you are, like me, at that age where parents think you might be ready, but you’d rather avoid it, listen closely.

Firstly, is it any wonder that so many of us avoid the potty? Parents are all, “Let’s go to the aquarium! Look at the huge fishies that live in the water! See that shark? He has great big teeth!” And the next week you think it’s a super idea to sit us on a swirling vortex of aquatic terror with our naked bums exposed to the elements. Let me think about it, no.

Secondly, what exactly is it about wiping our own butts that we’re supposed to get excited about? Have you seen that stuff? Up until now, I could kick back, get cleaned up, check out my toes, and be on my way. There’s no way on God’s green earth that I’m giving that up willingly.

Cat toilet training

Not happening.(Photo credit: pfhyper) 

But, my fellow potty trainees, avoiding the watery fright fest is no easy task. It requires a delicate balance of signals so that 1) your parents think you’re making progress, while 2) realizing you’re not quite ready yet. If you show no interest, you’ll be bombarded with potty books and underwear and sticker charts to peak your interest. I can fix that. Listen on, my young diaper-donned prodigies.

  1. Show interest in the potty. I know, this may seem counter-intuitive, but it is imperative that the parental units think you are making progress. This way they will wait to force it, as they like to be sure you’re totally “ready.”  Say, “potty,” on occasion. Barge in on them when they’re in the bathroom (they love that). Sit on it if asked – but do NOT, under any circumstances, actually pee. More on that to follow. If you complete this step efficiently, you will see signs: parental units will begin discussing the potty around you. They will get excited and start saying things like, “almost out of diapers,” and “going to save so much money.” You may see colorful books about potties appearing on the bookshelves – don’t be fooled! You want them to think you’re ready, but you don’t want to fall into the trap of active potty training.
  2. Do NOT pee on the potty. They will make a big deal. There will be stickers, possibly candy, and then it’s over. It’s all hand-washing and self bottom-wiping from there on out.

    Miniature marshmallows, close up.

    We will not be bought. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

  3. If you make a mistake and do pee on the potty, there is still hope. They will probably buy you underwear. This is good, as you can strategically plan your first underwear outing: Do not pee before leaving the house. They will make you try. Hold it in. Then, after a few minutes in the car, go ahead and pee. You will be soaked, as will your car seat, but that’s good. It will make Mommy or Daddy question this whole potty training thing. If you can, wait for them to change you into your spare underwear, then poop, but don’t tell them. Wait until you’ve really made a mess. This is a huge discouragement to further underwear outings, and to potty training in general.
  4. Say “no” whenever they ask if you want to sit on the potty from this point forward. This will convince them that they pushed it too early, and it is probably best to wait a good 6 months before trying again.

We’ve had it made our whole lives, man. We can’t give up that easily. We will not be swayed by “Big Girl/Boy” talk. We will not be bought with Tinkerbell underwear and marshmallow rewards!

Although that is one heck of a Dora potty seat, there, Mommy…

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About Mediocre Mom

I am a wife to the man who was made for me, and mom to three amazing girls: Punkin is eight, Goo is four, and Smush is two. I'm a Christian, a science geek, and completely addicted to coffee. Trying to stay sane one day at a time. Lowering the bar for moms everywhere.

5 responses »

  1. LOL, I love this, I’m sure that is exactly what she is thinking, and I think Luke is one of her diaper-donned prodigies 🙂 He has peed on the potty but shows no interest in going even though i have tried pull ups

    Reply
  2. ahahaa….This is why Baby #3 will never be consciously potty trained my my house. She can be in charge. I’ve better things to do with my time than “fight the system” – you know, like eat cotton candy and drink obscene amounts of coffee. Thanks for laugh 🙂

    Reply
  3. Pingback: Potty Talk « Mom on the Move

  4. Two words: Mini M&M’s! Promise that each time your kid goes potty, she gets two or three, but if she wipes herself (a huge challenge for us) then she gets four or five. This makes a big difference since I think one of the reasons kids don’t like to go is because the business of learning to wipe is kind of yucky.

    I wholeheartedly recommend bribery as potty training motivation: We kept a small plastic piggy bank in the bathroom and rewarded every success (one penny for pee, two for poop). Our daughter was entranced — she would shake the piggy with a gleam in her eye and remark how heavy it was getting. When she was all done, we took her potty windfall and turned it into quarters to spend on rides at the mall.

    Reply

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