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You know what every parent needs? Financial backing.

In the rush of the holidays, I found myself sleeping less, drinking more (coffee), and generally trying to accomplish 4,382 things per hour, per day. I know, I know: welcome to motherhood.

The icing on the cake, though, was that I increased my awesomeness by also becoming a plumber. I fixed a leaky pipe we had under the sink that was creating veritable swimming pools in our kitchen.

This got me thinking: I don’t get paid enough at all for this. I am a nanny, housekeeper, chaperone, secretary, plumber, nurse, teacher, volunteer, wife, and pseudo pioneer woman with my wood stove skills. So why is it that CEO’s of major corporations get paid 8.2 million dollars a year to fly in private jets and drink martinis by the beach, while I’m up to my elbows in poop and my last paycheck was a negative number?

You know how companies become successful? They get backers. Investors. People with big bucks who believe in the vision and are willing to put up the green to get it off the ground, with the hopes that they will get a payout in return.

I’m a little biased, but don’t parents have the most important jobs in the world? We’re literally creating the future generation of the world: the people who will work in those companies, fly those jets, make that money.

And that is why I am submitting that all parents, not just SAH moms and dads, should get financial backing. Even if you are employed outside, or inside the home, you still have to do all the character shaping, snot wiping, fight refereeing, butt wiping, cupcake making, encouraging, shaping, and molding of our future generation.

To all potential investors, this is your chance to get behind what could be the most successful move to sweep across our nation in the last…forever.

As a share holder, you will have the exclusive right to encourage parents to do their absolute best in raising your future employees. With your support, that homework will be a little neater. That room will be a cleaner. That attitude will be a little more controlled. And dang it, that toilet will sparkle. Because working 90 hours a week with no pay? Gets a little old. But with your generous donation investment, you can ensure that parents nationwide will maintain the drive to raise productive, ethical, compassionate future employees. Also, there will be no drama queens. I really can’t stand drama queens.

Allow me to give you the projected numbers should the parents of America continue their grueling job without the encouragement, support, and financial backing needed to give ourselves wholly to raising healthy, productive children:

You can make or break the future of America.

If you choose to support me in my endeavor to shape the future leaders of our nation, I can promise the following to you:

  1. I will not raise a future Ke$ha.
  2. If I ever have a son, he will wear his pants at his waist. Also, they will not be skin-tight. That’s just wrong.
  3. My girls will not come to the office looking like they just left the club.
  4. Actually, my girls will not go to the club.
  5. I will educate them so that your office memos don’t read: U have 2 have a meeting wit dose peeps from HR 2morrow b4 da weekend.
  6. I will not make excuses for them when they are wrong. I will teach them to own up to their responsibilities.
  7. My children will expect fair pay. Note: fair does not mean cheap. Thanks.
  8. With a minimum investment of $40k per year, I will make sure my girls never hear Justin Bieber.
  9. My house will be cleaner. Why? Because clean homes breed fewer germs, which means less sickness, and fewer sick days for your future employees. For the low price of an additional $85k per year, I will make this place freaking sterile. Seem a little steep? When’s the last time you kept a house sterile with a volatile stomach virus sweeping through 4 people simultaneously? I rest my case.
  10. They will not expect 4 months of paid vacation their first year of employment, nor will they expect special treatment.

Think about it. You invest not just in the future of America, but in the future of your company. Because all these kids walking around wearing glorified negligees or pants wrapped around their ankles? That’s your company’s future, my friend. I can’t guarantee that my kids will ever work for you, but back enough parents, and one of their progenies is bound to help you out in some way. And with a generation of Ke$ha worshipping teens on the rise, you can’t afford NOT to invest.


About Mediocre Mom

I am a wife to the man who was made for me, and mom to three amazing girls: Punkin is eight, Goo is four, and Smush is two. I'm a Christian, a science geek, and completely addicted to coffee. Trying to stay sane one day at a time. Lowering the bar for moms everywhere.

4 responses »

  1. Love #5. Too hilarious!

    • That was my favorite, too. Largely because even though I break grammar rules with abandon on the blog, it’s purposeful. And substituting numbers for letters makes me just a little insane.

  2. I love your blog….you don’t seem to be mediocre at all! I am a mediocre dad learning as I go. I can barely see the bar from where I am at! Great job!


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