If you are a mom of young children, or you know a mom of young children, you know this universal truth:
There’s no such thing as a potty break.
The notion that one could, in reality, obtain 60 seconds of uninterrupted private time is, in and of itself, preposterous. This is due to several factors:
- Small children don’t really get that “privacy” thing.
- If they do get it, they totally don’t care.
- If they do care, it’s only in regards to other people, because it’s inconceivable that Mommy would ever want to be separated from them.
- Peeing is super cool. Especially to the ones still in diapers. The magical porcelain machine that makes the cool whirring sound is even cooler, and by being in the bathroom every time it’s used, you gain inspiration for the myriad of things that can be flushed down said machine.
But there is another reason that Moms don’t get potty breaks:
We know better.
Most of us seasoned mothers know that in the blink of an eye, or the flush of a toilet, a level of destruction comparable to Chernobyl can be released with fury in nearly every room in the house. I’ve provided this handy photographic journey through my home, after the last potty break, to support my thesis:
What’s really not fair, though, is that I didn’t even get my 60 seconds of peace. Smush did all this while I was helping Goo go potty. Reward for wiping butts and washing hands? This hot mess.
But wait! There’s more. (I said that like an infomercial guy. If you didn’t read it in that voice, go back and read it again.)
This is my favorite potty break moment. I don’t show my girls’ faces on this blog, which I’m sure they’ll appreciate someday, but this is Smush, on the kitchen floor. Goo had a hand in it as well.
Notice Goo’s hand extended in the lower left corner. I’m fairly certain she used “the Force” to create this, and many other, catastrophic messes.
People ask me for parenting advice. This in itself I find amusing, but here is my number one tip:
Pee with the door open.