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Prayers to never, ever pray.

Mary Magdalene, in a dramatic 19th-century pop...

Please, God, please. Make them go away. Image via Wikipedia.

*Disclaimer: the stories told in this aren’t actually true. This time.

There are two prayers, that, if you have any hope of maintaining your sanity and not killing someone, you should never, ever pray. Trust me, I learned the hard way.

These prayers seem innocuous enough. Prayers said in an attempt to become a better person, to grow in love. Good plan. The only problem is that if God only says, “Yes,” to one prayer in your life, it will be this one. These prayers are:

  1. Lord, please give me more patience.
  2. Lord, please make me unoffendable.
What. the. what. was I thinking?
.
You know what happens when you pray for more patience? I’ll tell you. Your 3-year-old wakes you up at 5 AM, and when you open your left eye first instead of your right eye, she will throw herself on the floor and scream uncontrollably for 20 minutes. Your toddler will get into the pantry and simultaneously dump 3 boxes of rice, a box of Cheerios, and somehow open the can of pasta sauce that generally requires a crow bar. She will then mix them in a mound on the floor and finger paint your walls with it. This will happen while you took 12 seconds to pee, and before the sun has come up.
.
You will get out the door just in time for the doctor’s appointment only to find that your 7-year-old left the light on in the car while she was reading and your battery is dead. When you ask someone to help give you a jump-start, they will casually mention that you have church nursery duty this week and because there’s a special speaker there will be 487 more screaming, pooping babies than usual.
.
If you have not yet been taken into protective custody at a state institution, you make it to dinner time, where everyone requests something different, then complains about the other choices and argues about how you never let  them eat good stuff. The baby will then clamor for your attention while grabbing at your pant leg and whining while you try to chop garlic, saute green beans, and prepare a parmesan cream sauce. You will put the baby gate up because you are about to blow your top, then turn around and knock the simmering pot of sauce off the stove and onto your new jeans.
.
Nap time? Doesn’t exist.
.
At bedtime, the children will argue over whose toothbrush is whose, why they have to use different toothpaste, why they can’t wear princess dresses to bed in January, and who got to pick the storybook last time.
.
I repeat: Never pray for patience.
.
Asking to be made “unoffendable” came from a sermon I heard about a year ago. I loved the idea. Growing in maturity and love to reach a point where forgiveness is natural, and I am never weighed down by bitterness, grudges, or petty squabbles.
.
Let me tell you what happens when you pray to be made unoffendable.
.
*Phone rings*
.
Hi, Mediocre Mom! How are you? I just wanted to let you know about that week off you requested? Yeah, the answer is no. It would be too inconvenient for me.
.
*Phone rings*
.
Hi. This is the landlord. The leaks are where? Boy, you’re gonna have a tough time fixing that.
.
*Phone rings*
.
Hi! It’s (family member). Just wanted to apologize for forgetting to invite you to that party! Love you!
.
*Phone rings*
.
Hi! It’s the PTA coordinator! I know that you baked 300 cupcakes last week, and chaperoned the trip to the nature walk in the rain, but Susie canceled because she’s leaving for the Bahamas this week and I was wondering if I could put you down for the dunk tank at the fall festival? Great!
.
*Phone rings*
..
Hi, honey! Hey, I know you had the kids all week, and I leave for a business trip in Barbados next month, but I was thinking maybe guys’ weekend in Vermont? You’re the best.
.
These scenarios didn’t actually happen, but the prayers did. And the chaos that ensued absolutely did. And the deep, deep desire to find a nice, quiet spot in a padded room most definitely did.
.
I imagine that growing in patience and forgiveness can bring indescribable freedom. Once the growing pains fade, that is. In the meantime, consider yourselves warned: God answers prayers. Even the ones we’d rather He didn’t.
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About Mediocre Mom

I am a wife to the man who was made for me, and mom to three amazing girls: Punkin is eight, Goo is four, and Smush is two. I'm a Christian, a science geek, and completely addicted to coffee. Trying to stay sane one day at a time. Lowering the bar for moms everywhere.

4 responses »

  1. As I read the part about the two year old, I am thinking of a toddler who decided to baptize him self in cooking oil. I can still hear the mom scream his name. It was whole gallon of oil. You definitely have my sympathy and I couldn’t help but laugh and groan.

    Great way to make a point about being carefl of what you pray for. Have a blessed day!

    Reply
  2. Preach it! Soo true! You are hysterical, I couldn’t stop laughing. Will be more careful….for sure! Too bad we cant turn back time and warn our younger selves….must have prayed a lot of silly prayers come to think of it! oops! Thanks for wise-ing us up! 😉

    Reply
  3. Preach it! LOL Thanks for wise-ing us up! :0)

    Reply

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