The Nerd and I have this wonderful mutual understanding of the fact that we both need time away from the kids, and each other. We need to get out with friends, and take a few hours to reset the patience meter and reclaim our sanity. Trust me, everybody benefits when Mommy and Daddy get some leave-me-the-heck-alone time. For me, this usually involves leisurely perusing the clearance racks with J-Money. For the Nerd, it looks a little different.
The Nerd and his closest friends have been having this “guy time” regularly for years. At least once a week. I will now lovingly refer to them as the Nerd Squad, because said squad consists of the Nerd, his mathematically brilliant friend, and his musically/lyrically/poetically brilliant friend. They’re all nerds. Hilarious, kind, compassionate, nerds. And, drum roll please, do you know where this weekly pilgrimage is?
I so don’t get it. People mention Walmart to me and I kind of start twitching. Don’t get me wrong, I blend right in. Clothes purchased at
Walmart a local retail store, a screaming toddler waving her arms frantically because she can’t have the orange lollipop, a baby who decided to shampoo her hair with yogurt just before we had to leave the house. And one frazzled mom, standing in line for THIRTY-SEVEN minutes while Mrs. McMemory forgets where she put her coupons and is absolutely certain that if they send someone to the dairy section that is a half mile away in the back of the store, they’ll see that the milk is actually $3.96 a gallon, not $3.97.
Unfortunately, Walmart really does have the lowest prices a ridiculous amount of the time, and seeing as how our budget is a little stretched, I usually have to go the cheap route. The only time I can really justify paying full price is when Goo or I need antibiotics, because we’re both allergic to Penicillin. The discount on the generic just isn’t worth the hives.
But, for some unknown reason, the Nerd squad loves to make their weekly pilgrimage. It’s like Walmart and Mecca rolled into one. Walmecca. This is kind of a win for me, because when Smush gets a fever at 7:30 PM and then explodes through her diaper and I have exactly one dose of ibuprofen and half a wipe left, the Nerd Squad willingly braves the insanity of the big W and comes back armed with medicine, wipes, and a handy-dandy 27-tools-in-one contraption that cuts through concrete AND makes paninis.
These Walmecca runs happen at ungodly hours. They leave at like 10:oo PM and return around 1:00 AM. What the what? How do you go to Walmart every week AND shop for approximately 2 hours (minus travel time)? God help me. I’d go mad. I generally need the previously mentioned shopping trips with J-Money BECAUSE I had to go Walmart that week.
Although I have to say, you can get everything you need at Walmart. Take this fabulous display in the check out aisle:
For all those last-minute needs: chapstick, disposable razors, sunscreen, and batteries.
Ooh! And applesauce-on-the-go for the kids! What a good idea. This way they’ll finally stop screaming, after I’ve completed a 2.5 hour shopping trip because we needed exactly three things.
And a flask for Mommy! Also a good idea. Just because. (Disclaimer: I’m actually not a drinker. I don’t even like the taste of liquor. But I could totally use it to transport my iced coffee.)
And really, who doesn’t need a hair stopper? Maybe that’s for all the hair you’ll be pulling out when you realize your flask is empty and child #2 poured her applesauce-to-go all over the back seat.
I’ll never understand it. But at least I can avoid going back to the store when I forget the toilet paper/butter/laundry detergent.
Oh, and Honey, while you’re there? Grab me a flask.