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I must be delusional.

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Despite being married for 8 years, and having children for 7 of those 8 years, I still get these delusional notions from time to time. Delusions that were true pre-children, but have not been true since. Perhaps my brain is drudging up old memories of days gone by? Who knows. And really, who cares? These ideas are delusional, and a complete waste of my precious time. Take, for example, today’s delusion:

I will get my whole house clean today, even with a 1 year old and 3 year old who aren’t napping on the same schedule.

This would require:

  1. Emptying the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher, and washing the other stuff by hand. (Side note: I’m *this close* to throwing out everything that isn’t dishwasher safe.)
  2. Mopping the kitchen and living room.
  3. Scrubbing the bathroom.
  4. Cleaning the girls’ room. And our room. Egad.
  5. Taking the pile of too small clothes to the attic.
  6. Vacuuming.
  7. Changing the bed linens.
  8. Organizing the papers sitting on the mantle.
  9. Prepping dinner early so I could get a jump start on cleaning the dinner mess.
  10. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

Ha! There are so many things wrong with that, I don’t even know where to begin. How about the fact that this morning I spent 20 minutes explaining to Goo that there was no way on God’s green earth she was eating two cupcakes for breakfast. Then after giving the girls a normal breakfast, she continued to pester me, relentlessly, for cupcakes. Punkin turned 7 a couple days ago (I know. It’s shocking. More on that later.) and, trying to hide the fact that I’m a mediocre mom, I made cupcakes from scratch for her to bring to class. I even piped on the frosting and added little candy pearls.

Little do they know that lurking behind every candy pearl is a completely unproductive, and ultimately mediocre, mom.

I saved one for each of us at home, but this served not to surprise Goo and bring endless joy to my day, but to incite an undying plea for more cupcakes. One more, Mommy. One more cupcake. Please, Mommy. Please. I need one more cupcake. Please. We can make more cupcakes, Mommy? We can make one more cupcake. Please, Mommy. Please, one more cupcake.

It just so happened that I had a significant amount of frosting left over, and because you just can’t throw away good frosting, I told her that if she just shut up for one second for the sake of my sanity and all that is good and holy asked nicely and waited patiently, we could make cupcakes together. This required my completing the kitchen cleaning that I left the night before.

Delusion number two:

Nobody knows that my kitchen duties often wait until the next morning.

It is now 10:00. Baking with the “help” of a three-year-old is umm, time consuming. The cupcakes came out of the oven at 11:15. I would never win Cupcake Wars. Just saying.

By the time they cooled and got frosted, and I fed the girls something resembling lunch, and of course a cupcake, and got them cleaned up, it was almost 1:00. Let’s review what I had accomplished toward my goal of complete home cleanliness:

  1. Made a bigger mess by letting Goo help me make cupcakes.
  2. Nothing else.
Excellent. So I suck. Moving on.
Ooh! My third delusion of the day:
I will get both girls to take a 3 hour afternoon nap, at the same time, and clean everything so fast you’ll think I just stole some kid’s Ritalin.
Cue the nap time battle with Goo, followed by the nap time joke with Smush. Goo just stalls and cries and stalls some more. Her gig is up, it doesn’t phase me in the least. Smush, however, has developed this new game where she lays down happily in her crib when her sister takes a nap. Then just as I, say, get the shower on the perfect temperature for 15 minutes of uninterrupted me time, she “wakes up” and starts fussing.
Not wanting Smush to wake up Goo, I get her out of bed, and figure some high quality one-on-one time will buy me some high quality leave me alone so I can clean time. Delusion number 4:
The baby will appreciate the undivided attention, and reciprocate by keeping herself occupied while I AT LEAST finish cleaning the kitchen.
By the time Mommy-Smush time is over, it’s 3:15. Punkin is almost home from school. Which means I have to get her a snack, check the mountain of papers she brings home every single day, and start getting dinner ready for that early clean up. Funny, right? After all that, I’m still honestly thinking I can get a jump start on dinner. Delusional I tell you.
Goo woke up right after Punkin finished snack and I made her go outside asked if she could ride her bike. Goo didn’t want to play outside. She wanted to snuggle. The Nerd got home around 4:30, and this is what I had accomplished:
  1. Making a big cupcake mess.
  2. Making a big baby toy mess.
  3. Nothing else.
I’m so awesome. Really, it takes effort to be that unproductive in the span of 10 hours. You know what I asked for on Mother’s Day? A day to clean my house, uninterrupted. That’s right, I wanted my “gift” to be getting to just get the freaking house clean all at once, without hindrance or interruption. Sigh. Make that delusion number 5.

About Mediocre Mom

I am a wife to the man who was made for me, and mom to three amazing girls: Punkin is eight, Goo is four, and Smush is two. I'm a Christian, a science geek, and completely addicted to coffee. Trying to stay sane one day at a time. Lowering the bar for moms everywhere.

3 responses »

  1. Pure genius! WOW…..right up to the end I was in stitches. Your blog completes me.

  2. Oh Beth! If I win a million dollars I will purchase a house keeper for you! Your awesome!


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