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Wow! You’re huge.

I am not currently pregnant (insert choir of angels here). However, I’ve been there and done that three times, and I have some mild opinions on how our society treats pregnant women in general.

My first thought is, shut yo mouth. Guess what? I actually knew I was pregnant. And I do own a mirror. But thanks for your input. There’s nothing a hyper-emotional woman who is watching her body dis-morph needs more than daily insults. Really, do you go up to any stranger and comment on their imperfections? “Whoa! That is one huge schnoz! I bet you can smell things three miles away!” Or, “Wow! How many chins do you have?” Are those too rude? Then keep your asinine pregnancy comments to yourself, thanks.

If you, or someone you know, is pregnant, buy this phrase on a maternity shirt. You will thank me later.

I can back up these opinions with actual insults hurled at me during pregnancy. Here are some of my favorites:

  • Whoa, you must be ready to deliver like, tomorrow! (I was 4 1/2  months pregnant)
  • Hi, Mediocre Mom! Oh. My. God. You’re huge. Oh, I don’t mean that as an insult. Just…you’re really huge.
  • Geeze, how many babies are you having?
  • And my all time favorite: When are you going to stop looking pregnant? You had the baby 4 days ago and still look at least 3 months pregnant. I’m just saying.

I actually had to leave the room after an acquaintance uttered that last one. I glanced at my husband, who instantly saw the homicidal tendencies surfacing, and left the room without saying a word as he backed me up with, “Actually, she looks amazing. She had a baby FOUR DAYS ago.”

Hearing these insults, over and over and over, inspired me to start thinking of snarky replies:

  • Yeah, I’m pregnant all right! But I had no idea you were! Oh… you’re not? Huh. Then why are you as big as I am?
  • Yup, I’m really that big. Thank God I’ll have this baby in a month or two. You, on the other hand, will still look like that.
  • You did realize that there’s an actual human being in my abdomen, right? I didn’t just eat 7,000 calories a day and store it all in my belly. Like some of us do.

Allow me a little disclaimer: I’ve never actually been this rude to anyone. Not even close. I’ve been extremely tempted, but I’ve always bitten my tongue. Very few people read this. That’s a bonus this time around, because I can vent my frustrations without offending too many people. At least for now.

If you wear this shirt, you don't even have to open your mouth for a good come-back. And when you're pregnant, anything that saves time and energy is just plain awesome.

It seems that our society thinks that pregnancy temporarily dissolves a woman’s emotion. Hey, Society, news flash: HORMONES DON’T MAKE US LESS EMOTIONAL. Perhaps, when our bodies are being flooded by a multitude of hormones that could shatter the Hoover dam, it isn’t the best time to tell us we’re fat. Just sayin’. Something to think about.

My second mild opinion is this: STOP. TOUCHING. ME. Unless you want me to return the favor and rub you like I’m buttering up a Thanksgiving turkey, keep your hands to yourself. Believe it or not, I still like personal space. In fact, I probably like it even more now. So do us both a favor and stop rubbing. Or better yet, go find some guy with a beer belly and rub him. Then let me know how he takes it. I’d really appreciate that.

So to all pregnant women, or those who will become pregnant, take heed: people will insult you. They will rub your belly as though you are some mythical eastern god who brings luck with each tummy rub. They will comment on your size at the start of the pregnancy, in the middle, at the end, and for weeks, or months, after it’s over. Because apparently our “certain, inalienable rights” are now, “life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and hurling insults at pregnant women.” Awesome.

But let me end on a good note: After 9 months of rude comments, uninvited tummy touching, and the myriad of physical miseries pregnancy can bring, you get a baby. And there isn’t an insult in the world that can undo the sheer joy that comes at the moment. So toughen up, take no prisoners, and strap on one of these catchy t-shirts. You’ll make it to motherhood. Hopefully without physically harming an obnoxious stranger.

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About Mediocre Mom

I am a wife to the man who was made for me, and mom to three amazing girls: Punkin is eight, Goo is four, and Smush is two. I'm a Christian, a science geek, and completely addicted to coffee. Trying to stay sane one day at a time. Lowering the bar for moms everywhere.

12 responses »

  1. Beth, I wished I would have had some of these comebacks when I was pregnant. Having 2 babies so close together (14 months) I was large and an emotional wreck, the only shape my body had was round and I gained over a hundred lb with the two babies. I had so many comments and looks by the time Elias was born, all I wanted was it to be over. When the Dr. laid Elias in my arms for the first time everything was made right in the world, he is such a blessing.
    Thank you for your blog I have both cried and laughed and been proud to be a mom when reading your stories. You have a way of speaking for all of us moms out there that feel we are just another Kog in a passing day.

    Reply
    • Thank you, Marcia! It can’t be said enough: in the end, it’s so worth it. No matter how many strangers I almost slapped… 😉

      Reply
  2. Yes, YES, and YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! You hit the nail on the head with this one! And if you don’t mind, I would like to add another annoying thing that happened to me most of my pregnancies. Purely for educational purposes of course, for those who like to cross WAY over the line and state the OBVIOUS….pregnant women KNOW how they got pregnant. My least favorite comment , NEVER tell a woman who is 8 months pregnant with two small children, “You just couldnt help yourself, huh?!” No I guess I couldn’t!

    Reply
    • Haha! How could I have forgotten that? So true. People have far too much audacity with pregnant women. Far too much.

      Reply
  3. Awesome read! I love that t-shirt and wish that I had that when I was pregnant.

    Reply
  4. So so true. I used to have a personal blog, and I wrote a post just like this one. I cannot believe the things that people feel it’s okay to say to pregnant women. “Wow, you’re getting huge!” and “You must be due any day” were the ones I hated the most. Lame.

    Reply
  5. And I would also like to chime in and say… if you are not sure if someone is pregnant…if you are wondering and it is not CERTAIN…then do not ask them now far along they are. This happened to me 6 months after I had my son. When in doubt do not ask. the end.
    thank you for this , it was entertaining!

    Kelly

    Reply
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