I am not currently pregnant (insert choir of angels here). However, I’ve been there and done that three times, and I have some mild opinions on how our society treats pregnant women in general.
My first thought is, shut yo mouth. Guess what? I actually knew I was pregnant. And I do own a mirror. But thanks for your input. There’s nothing a hyper-emotional woman who is watching her body dis-morph needs more than daily insults. Really, do you go up to any stranger and comment on their imperfections? “Whoa! That is one huge schnoz! I bet you can smell things three miles away!” Or, “Wow! How many chins do you have?” Are those too rude? Then keep your asinine pregnancy comments to yourself, thanks.
I can back up these opinions with actual insults hurled at me during pregnancy. Here are some of my favorites:
- Whoa, you must be ready to deliver like, tomorrow! (I was 4 1/2 months pregnant)
- Hi, Mediocre Mom! Oh. My. God. You’re huge. Oh, I don’t mean that as an insult. Just…you’re really huge.
- Geeze, how many babies are you having?
- And my all time favorite: When are you going to stop looking pregnant? You had the baby 4 days ago and still look at least 3 months pregnant. I’m just saying.
I actually had to leave the room after an acquaintance uttered that last one. I glanced at my husband, who instantly saw the homicidal tendencies surfacing, and left the room without saying a word as he backed me up with, “Actually, she looks amazing. She had a baby FOUR DAYS ago.”
Hearing these insults, over and over and over, inspired me to start thinking of snarky replies:
- Yeah, I’m pregnant all right! But I had no idea you were! Oh… you’re not? Huh. Then why are you as big as I am?
- Yup, I’m really that big. Thank God I’ll have this baby in a month or two. You, on the other hand, will still look like that.
- You did realize that there’s an actual human being in my abdomen, right? I didn’t just eat 7,000 calories a day and store it all in my belly. Like some of us do.
Allow me a little disclaimer: I’ve never actually been this rude to anyone. Not even close. I’ve been extremely tempted, but I’ve always bitten my tongue. Very few people read this. That’s a bonus this time around, because I can vent my frustrations without offending too many people. At least for now.
It seems that our society thinks that pregnancy temporarily dissolves a woman’s emotion. Hey, Society, news flash: HORMONES DON’T MAKE US LESS EMOTIONAL. Perhaps, when our bodies are being flooded by a multitude of hormones that could shatter the Hoover dam, it isn’t the best time to tell us we’re fat. Just sayin’. Something to think about.
My second mild opinion is this: STOP. TOUCHING. ME. Unless you want me to return the favor and rub you like I’m buttering up a Thanksgiving turkey, keep your hands to yourself. Believe it or not, I still like personal space. In fact, I probably like it even more now. So do us both a favor and stop rubbing. Or better yet, go find some guy with a beer belly and rub him. Then let me know how he takes it. I’d really appreciate that.
So to all pregnant women, or those who will become pregnant, take heed: people will insult you. They will rub your belly as though you are some mythical eastern god who brings luck with each tummy rub. They will comment on your size at the start of the pregnancy, in the middle, at the end, and for weeks, or months, after it’s over. Because apparently our “certain, inalienable rights” are now, “life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, and hurling insults at pregnant women.” Awesome.
But let me end on a good note: After 9 months of rude comments, uninvited tummy touching, and the myriad of physical miseries pregnancy can bring, you get a baby. And there isn’t an insult in the world that can undo the sheer joy that comes at the moment. So toughen up, take no prisoners, and strap on one of these catchy t-shirts. You’ll make it to motherhood. Hopefully without physically harming an obnoxious stranger.