Despite being married for 8 years, and having children for 7 of those 8 years, I still get these delusional notions from time to time. Delusions that were true pre-children, but have not been true since. Perhaps my brain is drudging up old memories of days gone by? Who knows. And really, who cares? These ideas are delusional, and a complete waste of my precious time. Take, for example, today’s delusion:
I will get my whole house clean today, even with a 1 year old and 3 year old who aren’t napping on the same schedule.
This would require:
- Emptying the dishwasher, reloading the dishwasher, and washing the other stuff by hand. (Side note: I’m *this close* to throwing out everything that isn’t dishwasher safe.)
- Mopping the kitchen and living room.
- Scrubbing the bathroom.
- Cleaning the girls’ room. And our room. Egad.
- Taking the pile of too small clothes to the attic.
- Changing the bed linens.
- Organizing the papers sitting on the mantle.
- Prepping dinner early so I could get a jump start on cleaning the dinner mess.
- Wash. Rinse. Repeat.
Ha! There are so many things wrong with that, I don’t even know where to begin. How about the fact that this morning I spent 20 minutes explaining to Goo that there was no way on God’s green earth she was eating two cupcakes for breakfast. Then after giving the girls a normal breakfast, she continued to pester me, relentlessly, for cupcakes. Punkin turned 7 a couple days ago (I know. It’s shocking. More on that later.) and, trying to hide the fact that I’m a mediocre mom, I made cupcakes from scratch for her to bring to class. I even piped on the frosting and added little candy pearls.
I saved one for each of us at home, but this served not to surprise Goo and bring endless joy to my day, but to incite an undying plea for more cupcakes. One more, Mommy. One more cupcake. Please, Mommy. Please. I need one more cupcake. Please. We can make more cupcakes, Mommy? We can make one more cupcake. Please, Mommy. Please, one more cupcake.
It just so happened that I had a significant amount of frosting left over, and because you just can’t throw away good frosting, I told her that if she
just shut up for one second for the sake of my sanity and all that is good and holy asked nicely and waited patiently, we could make cupcakes together. This required my completing the kitchen cleaning that I left the night before.
Delusion number two:
Nobody knows that my kitchen duties often wait until the next morning.
It is now 10:00. Baking with the “help” of a three-year-old is umm, time consuming. The cupcakes came out of the oven at 11:15. I would never win Cupcake Wars. Just saying.
By the time they cooled and got frosted, and I fed the girls something resembling lunch, and of course a cupcake, and got them cleaned up, it was almost 1:00. Let’s review what I had accomplished toward my goal of complete home cleanliness:
- Made a bigger mess by letting Goo help me make cupcakes.
- Nothing else.
- Making a big cupcake mess.
- Making a big baby toy mess.
- Nothing else.